i feel like everything is on repeat despite my efforts.

feeling like this and taking care of Ari at the same time is a challenge because i become hypersensitive. it makes me feel like a terrible parent. i know that i'm not, but i'm still not being the parent that i want to be.

despite having been in therapy for x amount of years i seem to have no coping mechanisms other than writing. i am seeing someone new tonight for the 2nd time. i'm not sure what i think of her yet. she at least managed to trigger some emotions which is a good sign. i didn't talk to her with my defenses up. there was a very odd moment during the first when she leaned towards me and said "well, what i want to know, is are YOU willing to try something different" in a dramatic tone. if she tells me to go home and jump on my bed i am going to be furious. the worst part was what she closed with. she asked me if i remembered a time when i was not depressed. that was a swift kick to the stomach. when i think back to my earliest memories they are steeped in worry and concern over my parents or my brother. even as a child i felt responsible for others well-being. i never had the security of religion so i spent a lot of time worrying about death as well.

a.'s dad continues to irritate me. he continually makes stupid employment decisions. i think he is lying to me about having a second job and about getting some sort of therapy himself. he seems too readily available when i call for someone who is supposedly working two jobs. not to mention, he is going to mn next weekend. ari is crying for him all of the time and asking me when he is going to see him next (despite having just seen him) and it breaks my heart. i am so sick of hearing about his dad, i can't and won't tell him that though. right before the wedding e. called me to ask me if i could meet him halfway. i reminded him that i was in the wedding and he still didn't seem to see why i couldn't do it. he said that he didn't have any gas money. i begrudingly offered him money and he said he wouldn't take it. then he said that he would use his rent money. supposedly, he was going to borrow money from his father to make up for it. i think he was trying to get out of driving into town. after telling me that he couldn't afford gas, he took a. to the fair. he is so irresponsible. sometimes i feel incredibly selfish having brought a. into our relationship. he sleeps with his treebeard doll that e. gave him everynight. i hope that it gets easier for him as he gets older.

i am tired of working here. it's making me irritable to the point that i become moody when i hear someone approaching my office. there are no appealing jobs in the newspaper. i have skills, yes, to find a job similar to the one i have now.

i haven't touched the unresolved emotions regarding my father. my mother told me that he was going to the hospital for tests and i have avoided them since. i don't think that i need guilt to add to all of this.

ari's annoying friend left daycare. i am very relieved about this. he was not a good influence. ari doesn't seem very disappointed about it.

is it a horrible thing to feel relieved when i find out that others have chaos in their lives?

I AM A BIG FAT MESS!! I need a vacation from myself.

i think that is why i am avoiding making very many new friends right now. i don't want anyone to get to know me too well.

at least there is a tornado warning.

* i <3 pms.