A kindergartner at Ari’s school died. Or as Ari simply said, “he shut down”. It made me hug him a little tighter and closer as he fell asleep on my lap last night. I cried when I read the letter from the elementary school. Ari did not know him very well because they weren’t in the same class but he knew who he was. As generic as it sounds, my heart goes out to his mother. Ari is so very precious to me, he makes everything that has happened before him, right again . If that is what I had to go through to discover this love, I am appreciative.
You try to learn to disassociate yourself from feelings and what they mean to you but it doesn’t happen. it's like a break-up where you keep finding the ex's things strewn around, only mine are not tangible. it is things like this that make me want to disconnect from people and keep myself “safe”.
in the meantime i'm trying to ignore the pain in my side and fill my day with routine tasks. suffering is never a penance, even if it is real.