After weeks of therapy and not getting paid and trying new drugs, i'm a notch above where I was. I'm not laying in my bed paralyzed with fear because some day my parents, Ari, K. or myself are going to die. it was odd to be as afraid as i was of death but feeling suicidal at the same time. I'm not fixating on death anymore. I can almost make it through the weekends without breaking down. i'm climbing out of sleep into a whole new sickness. I've suddenly lost my appetite for anything, i feel like a blobish-blown up version of this cute little pixie-like thing that i was in college. My weight has fluctuated so much. I have a strong desire to fit back into my clothes again. I am afraid of allowing this to morph into an eating disorder.

i'm taking my pills, i'm brushing my teeth, i love my boyfriend and child but i can't see a future me. i have this seemingly unattainable person that i want to be. Svelte, successful at something (illustration, writing; anything) I want to go to Europe. I want to have a real wedding. I want Ari's room to be clean (ha,ha i know but really if i helped him he would keep it cleaner). I want all of the clothes in my room to fit or disappear. (How am I getting such a bad self-image? )I want my cat to stop peeing on clothes because I forget to change his litterbox. i'm wondering, what is going to become of this version of me? Am i going to become one of those homeless ladies pushing around my belongings in a shopping cart, muttering to herself? Or will something wondeful growth come out of all of this?

Then there is this possessiveness of k. It is an unhealthy possession. i can't stand the thought of him doing the same quirky things he has done with me with someone else. the way that he frequently has to pause to get his inhaler before kissing me. the way that tastes (which is weird it's just albuterol for pete's sake). i don't want anyone else to have noticed the freckle on his lip or have annoyed him by playing with his belly button, the way he smiles when he thinks that something is cute. I am so unhealthily jealous because I compare myself to these ghosts of past experiences and worry that I don't measure up in any way. i want to be perfect for him, for ari, for myself. and i'm not.

i'm just this incredibly moody 28 yr old flawed girl that used to have potential. i've been listening to the same song on repeat for five hours.

and no, no i'm not feeling sorry for myself or self-destructive (sarcasm). Presently, i'm just feeling a little hopeless. I know that I'm smarter than this. I'm sure it will pass. but for right now i feel like i'm wilting.

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