I can’t believe that my baby is starting kindergarten. He’s getting so long limbed and becoming more boyish everyday. After I read him a story the other night he asked me to snuggle him. (no longer ‘nuggle, he can pronounce the s now.) I happily did. He tucked his head on my chest and I listened to him breathe and talk about frogs and lizards. I thought about all of the times we have done this, snuggled, since he was a newborn. The most perfect feeling in the world was having him nap on my chest when he was a couple of months old. He would make little frog-leg motions to get closer and closer until his head was tucked under my chin. Sometimes I would lay him down next to me and he would find ways to get closer to me so that we were touching if we weren’t. He sleeps in his own room now. After talking about frogs and lizards I was getting sleepy so when I stood up and said “ok, time for mommy to go to bed” he said “ok”. I asked him if he wanted his teddy bear and he said “no, I want to sleep alone”. All those months of frustration, of trying to get him sleep in his own room, and he says “I want to sleep alone”.

I know it sounds silly, it’s just kindergarten but it’s going so fast. I think back and remember snuggling my own mother and how comforting just being close to her was when I was little. I still go to her sometimes when I’m feeling like I’m lost. I hope Ari does the same with me. I’m dwelling on being closer to 30, on having Ari turn five. I know I have many more years of youth t o embrace with him but I still can’t help but tear up everytime I think about him going to kindergarten. His first day of school is in a couple of weeks and I’m so proud and scared. I’m trying not to worry about the future but I do.

I found some papers last night in my filing cabinet. Mostly diary entries from when I was attempting to break things off with A’s dad. I forgot about how scared I was. How big and open the world seemed when I was thinking about being alone, needing to be alone. I didn’t have a job,I didn’t have my family here. I had no idea how I was going to raise Ari alone. I would not let myself back into the relationship, absolutely, steadfastly refused to do so. And I felt proud of myself for resisting, for being strong. I know that ending a relationship is never easy. It especially wasn’t for me because we have a child together and had a past spanning six very tumultuous years. It’s hard to break out of a relationship that is damaging because your emotions are like a frayed rubberband. I also had a lot of pressure to stay in the relationship. It was one of the most difficult decisions I have ever made. I thought about this time in my life and how bitterly disappointed I was and how damaged I was. How I felt when Ari went with him for the weekend, how confusing that felt at first. I thought about my past self and it seemed like I was thinking of an old friend. I actually thought, That was a good thing you did. I forgot how hard it was for you to have faith that life could be better, that you did deserve more, and that it would be better for Ari.

It’s still difficult when Ari asks me why daddy can’t live with us. How do you answer that? He thinks we could all just live together, me, daddy, s. and daddy’s girlfriend and grandma and grandpa. I don’t know what it’s like to grow up with divorced parents, but I do know what it’s like to grow up with parents that are unhappy with each other, and I have no way of explaining to him that this is why things are the way they are. When my relationship ended I thought that there has to be more to a relationship than what we had and if there wasn’t that I didn’t want one, period. Up until now, I didn’t let anyone fully into my life. I went on dates, dated, but never let anyone take any sort of priority and flatly refused to do so. I was devoted to ari and myself, that’s it. I’m not sure exactly what clicked when S. and I became acquainted. When we met it exceeded any expectations I may have had. It was scary and wonderful at the same time. I never expected that we would live together someday but I also had a feeling that it wouldn’t just end after the first meeting. Despite it’s ups and downs it has been wonderful and beautiful and hard at the same time. He and ari still regard each other carefully, which is fine but confusing for me sometimes. Ari is very loyal to me and his father so refuses to say anything right out about S. or his father’s girlfriend that would indicate that he likes either of them more than us or even as much as us. He does however have a nickname for S. It’s light bulb head. Why light bulb head, I don’t know. I’m fairly certain that he means it affectionately. This relationship has been a very large leap of faith for me. I think that is why I am having a difficult time being insecure.

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