We picked up the ari-monster yesterday. That cheered me up quite a bit. It’s difficult to feel sorry for yourself when you are with the two people that you are the closest to. He was grumpy, he was silly he was bratty and very receptive to mommy kisses. I am amazed at how much I enjoy being a mother. I spent my teen years and some of my college months working with children but I only got to play with them each for a couple of minutes a day. I never thought yes, I want to have children some day, ever. I loved the kids, couldn’t stand the parents but recognized right away that I was much too much of a worrier to ever actually have one. I nearly cried when this little boy bounced out of the moonwalk and bloodied his nose and yelled at my boss for not keeping a better first aid kit. I am still sort of amazed that I am a mother.

Last night Ari re-awakened my interest in playing the guitar, however briefly. He made sure to ask me if the guitar was S.’s before he touched it. I said “no, it’s mine” and he slid off the couch and started plucking on the strings.

I’m still not in the highest of spirits. So, that’s putting it lightly. I am feeling a little more capable of accepting that state rather than dwelling in it or on it. I worked out yesterday for the first time in over a month and noticed my stomach has gotten a little cushier. It felt a little odd having this floomp everytime I did something that was supposed to be making it smaller. I knew I was growing cushiony but didn’t realize how much until yesterday. The good thing about not going to the college gym, I’m not surrounded by tons of perky sorority girls with tight butts who make me wince at my current marshmallow status.

Tonight s. and I are going to the zen center. I’ve never been so I’m a little nervous about remembering all of the etiquette.

Last week, I went from having money for college to having none. Most of it is my fault, some of it is not. A.’s father forgot to give me $ and also forgot to return my Henry and June dvd.

I am going to be diligent about saving money for college from now on

I am going to be diligent about saving money for college from now on

Repeat 300 x

Rinse

Repeat.

Really, I need this.

Latest fixation is Kris Dresen, here

I miss being able to draw.

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